When you focus on what you want, it will come into your life.
The title of this week’s tip is one of my long-time mantras. The phrase came into my life at a Weight Watchers’ meeting about 15 years ago, and when the woman leading the meeting said it, I felt its truth in my bones, so I wrote it down. And then I wrote it on an index card that I kept on the mirror in my bedroom in my old house.
At the time, I was unhappy with my weight (obviously, or I wouldn’t have been at the meeting), unhappy in my marriage, and unhappy with my life in general. These days, I am content with my weight (which is either what it was at the time I was in that meeting or a bit higher!), extremely satisfied and happy in my marriage, and pretty pleased with my life in general.
What changed?
My body:
Well, as I think I may have established, it wasn’t really my weight that was my issue. Though there was a period in time about nine years ago where I dropped back down to a size 6 or 8, before steadily climbing back to my size 12 status. (Thanks, menopause. No. Really. If you aren’t there yet, you should know that it is going to make it MUCH harder to keep weight off, which is a topic for another post.)
Eventually, I figured out that I wanted to be happy in my own skin. I started to truly reconnect with my body, and to enjoy movement again: walking, gentle yoga, and tai chi. I also started to connect with my thoughts and emotions, and to really sit (often in discomfort) with what I was feeling, and what I wanted to do. I discovered that being happy in my body didn’t mean a particular weight or clothing size. It meant movement and the ability to act and eat for pleasure. It meant setting goals, however small, and keeping promises to myself.
Over the years, I’ve learned to be grateful for my curves and my body, which allows me to enjoy long walks and good sex with my husband, among other things. (If either of my kids are reading this, then I suppose I’m sorry for mentioning it? But seriously, I wish every reader good sex, whatever that means to you.) The weight is a number, the size in my clothes is a number. Neither of those things define me. I’m glad that I can enjoy movement and food and generally feel good about life.
More seriously, I am happy with my body for carting me around and supporting me, despite its flaws, which include two autoimmune conditions (RA and fibromyalgia) that sometimes flare and make me uncomfortable, and that near-miss with the adenoma in my duodenum earlier this year. I don’t consider its size to be a “flaw”; it’s just how things are right now, and it’s liable to change again over time.
My marriage:
Fifteen years ago, I was in the middle of my second marriage. Things weren’t good, and I spent a lot of time feeling more like a parent than a partner—some of you will understand exactly what I mean. But I was scared to move on, because it was my second marriage. And I didn’t want another failure on my permanent record. Seriously, that was how I thought about it for years.
I kept thinking that “when I focus on what I want, it will come into my life”, and expecting my ex-husband to grow up and change. Along the way, I picked up (or resumed) a romance reading habit. I used to read a ton of them as a teen and young adult—I had aunts with serious binge habits in that area, and I’d get BAGS full of books from them. The newer romances were a bit more explicit in places, and also far more feminist, where partners are equals and value one another. I started thinking that’s what I wanted in my life: an equal partner who put me first, who valued me for myself, and I figured that a sizzling physical relationship wouldn’t hurt, either.
In 2011, my ex and I got a divorce. And let’s face it, mentally I was already checked out of that marriage. After that divorce was underway, I met Morris. After several months of getting to know one another, he eventually asked me out. An equal partner? Check. A guy who knows all about me and loves me for me? Check? Sizzling physical relationship? Yep.
I focused on the idea of having an amazing relationship. My prior marriage couldn’t possibly be repaired at that time, but the one I have now is quite literally a dream come true.
My life in general:
Fifteen years ago, I was unhappy with my physical self, unhappy with my main relationship, and feeling defeated in a lot of areas. I was doing a lot of writing, which I enjoyed, but it was an uphill sort of thing that became heavier and harder to push, until eventually, I lost the will to do it. Don’t get me wrong, I still loved writing, but with the turmoil in my prior marriage, I dropped it for a while, then never managed to pick it up in quite the same way.
I felt sidelined. Aimless. Adrift. I enjoyed watching my kids move from middle school to high school to college, but I had lost my own spark. I was a bit player in other people’s life, and the role of “star” in my own life didn’t exactly exist. I had no idea what I wanted, let alone the ability to focus on it.
That all began to change as I reconnected with my body, starting in 2010. Walking and moving more, doing some gentle yoga and learning tai chi, all helped me to connect with my physical self. Doing a lot of brain dumps (you can read how to do one in this past post) and learning to sit in meditation helped tremendously. I started learning how to meditate in 2010, and it took me more than a year to figure out that the goal was not to stop thinking. “Quiet your mind” means that you learn to focus on something—your breath, a mantra, counting—not that you “still” your mind completely.
It took me another year or so to accept that meditation might actually be working and/or I might actually not be failing at it. I continue to work at it, understanding better now that meditation is called a practice for a reason: it always takes work or attention. However, I’ve found that the ability to still myself and focus in meditation has benefits in the rest of life.
The combination of brain dumps and meditation allows me to process my feelings better, which is a revelation, since for years I tried to stuff them down or not even acknowledge them. Now I am able to recognize them, sit with them, and move through them, which is generally healthier.
Along the way, I discovered a love of creating art, as well as words. I discovered, too, that I had found a way off of the shelf and out of the box that I’d been put into, largely by myself, though some of that was assisted by the expectations of others. I rediscovered my spunk, and my sense of fun. I am still working on being okay with breaking “rules”, and on sharing my thoughts and beliefs without fear.
In the past couple of years, I figured out that what I most wanted to do was to help other women figure things out, too. To find their joy, to achieve their goals, to feel a sense of bone-deep satisfaction in their lives. Which is why I founded Actually I Can, which is coming up on its first anniversary as a corporation in just over a month.
What do you want?
If you are in a place where you are unsure what you want next, or what you most want in your life, I encourage you to use the Future You guided visualization I offer for free here on my site. It allows you to envision your future self and your home, which can give you lots of cues and ideas to get you started. The visualization comes with downloadable journaling pages to help you capture your thoughts.
Or you can try my 5 tips to help you find yourself. Or you can schedule a free, 30-minute discovery call with me here on my site.
Remember: When you focus on what you want, it will come into your life.
