Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
I almost didn’t write this post, because who am I to say anything, and what would I say anyhow?
Then I nearly didn’t share it. Because even after I wrote it, I was afraid. What if you decide you don’t like me, or don’t like what I have to say?
In the end, here is my post, which probably doesn’t go far enough in condemning racism and white supremacy. But I am committed to listening and learning. And to helping my community as much as I can. Which includes you, dear reader.
Last week and weekend were difficult. I’d say I blame the news, which was soul-crushing, but that’s not really accurate. Blaming the messenger for reporting on the hard, awful, confronting things isn’t fair, nor would it be correct.
I suppose that at the end of the day, I am upset with white people, which means I’m upset with myself. There is just so much we’ve been doing wrong when it comes to perceiving ourselves and others in our culture, and we need to fix it.
Also? I have no idea how to fix it.
(You can see why being upset with the news would be a preferred answer, despite it being wrong.)
How did I respond to my anger and sorrow over last week’s many upsets, from the wrongful death of George Floyd to the wrongful conduct of Amy Cooper in Central Park to the protests over the weekend, which included some rioting that may or may not have been by the same people protesting (it’s exhausting, as I said)?
I responded by upping my self-care, which looked a lot like many of the things I have shared here before: stepping away from social media, turning the news coverage off past a basic amount of intake, getting outside in nature, taking walks, trying to get decent sleep.
I also responded by working to educate myself. I read posts by people of color who took the time to explain things (which they shouldn’t have had to do, especially during crisis, but I thank them for doing it anyway). I ordered some books to help me figure out what I want to do next (White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo and How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi).
I am working to find ways to be less angry—or at least to marshal that rage into something constructive— and to find ways to take constructive, helpful action. I am working to find my place in this situation.
Which is how I found myself turning to poetry, and reading (yet again), Mary Oliver’s poem, “Wild Geese”.
I find so much peace in this poem. The reminder that we don’t have to be good. That flagellating ourselves is unnecessary. That the world continues to turn, despite our issues and upsets.
So I am here, finding my place in the family of things.
This week, I am hoping the be in a better head space, but I guess we shall see.
Meanwhile, I will continue leaning into my selfcare practices: sleep, meditation, exercise, nutrition, meditation, salt baths. I will try to calm my own anxiety, using the tips I shared in previous weekly tips starting here, and in my books, 12 tips to help you sleep and Lower your anxiety. I know that I’ve got anxiety, which has included sleep disruption, and I know that the tips I’ve provided work.
I am pretty sure they can help you too.
