Why new things are scary
New things are scary.
New things are scary.
Even if they are good things.
Even if they are things you have wanted for ages, and worked hard for.
Even if they are the manifestation of a goal or dream.
The reason that so many of us have a fear of success is because success often puts us into some new energetic level, where we haven’t spent much time before. It can feel weird. And our brains tell us that weird feels wrong.
Besides being at a new energetic level, it can put us someplace new in relation to the world around us.
At work, it could mean more money, but also more responsibility.
Maybe you have new job duties you’ve never done before (like training or supervising others, or creating reports that you never had to create before, even if you read the ones that came out).
Maybe you have moved from hourly to salaried, which could mean thinking differently about your paycheck—sure, it will be fixed pay from now on, but also it’s fixed pay from now on. No more working extra hours for a “bonus” when you’re planning vacation. But also . . . paid vacation.
If you run your own business, it could mean more clients, but also, more time spent working with them. More sales of your stuff, but also a need to produce larger quantities.
Maybe you now have to hire an assistant to help you with some of your stuff, and that stresses you out.
Maybe you need to scale production, and the many decisions and investments of time and money that go with that are terrifying.
In your personal life, maybe you have finally begun to talk nicely to yourself, instead of being critical all the time. (It’s an area I can help with!)
Maybe you are feeling weird at not having a constant, negative inner monologue. (It happens!)
Maybe you start to notice the folks around you who seem intent on making you feel bad or keeping you in a negative state (again, it happens!). Or maybe you are being challenged by someone who doesn’t like that you’ve “changed.” (Again, this all happens, and it’s something I can help with.)
One of the reasons that new things are scary is that they are unfamiliar. Logically, I think we can acknowledge that, although our logical brains will tell us that we shouldn’t be scared of good things.
The larger reason that new things are scary is that our brains are wired to protect us. And by “protect us,” I mean “keep us from experiencing anything new or unfamiliar.” Our brains want us to fit in, and they want to preserve the status quo.
Our brains are wired to keep us safe, which includes making sure that we maintain our place within our tribe. (Humans have long been tribal beings, whether it’s family of origin or choice).
Once upon a time, being exiled from the tribe meant a high probability of death—so doing anything that jeopardizes our place in the world is ingrained in our systems as “you’re gonna die!”
Spoiler: You’re (probably) not gonna die. You are just going to feel uncomfortable and uncertain until you recalibrate.
This is why people will spend years in shitty jobs that they don’t enjoy, because the safety of the known feels better than the scariness of the unknown. Or they will stay in a shitty relationship, even one that is abusive, because at least it’s a known quantity. Or they will not set boundaries to protect themselves or work on being kind to themselves, because someone else might become upset, and that could disturb the status quo.
For the past week or so, I’ve been attending an online “summer camp” for coaches and other business owners. The vast majority of the people in the group are life coaches of one sort or the other—writing coaches, sex coaches, body image coaches, executive coaches, etc.
You would expect that people in the coaching industry, who have spent time training and working with others, would be good at trying new things, right?
Hahaha—WRONG.
The number of posts from people that go something like “I posted something here and nobody commented on it and now I feel bad about myself” exceeds my ability to count. The number of people who have refused to choose a single activity after a week in the group because they can’t make a decision? Same. And the number of people who write things like “I tried the new thing and now I want to throw up/curl into a ball and die/delete all of my social media accounts/walk into the ocean"? You’ve probably guessed it: SO MANY.
Because doing new things? It’s scary.
Being in summer camp? Scary. Posting a hello about yourself? Scary. Comparing yourself to others? Scary. Also pretty pointless, which we all should know by know, but still—there it is.
Regretting taking an action that puts you on a new level? Terrifying. Even if you know it’s good for you, and that it’s what you want to do.
Once you do something new, give yourself time to acclimatize to the new level.
“Acclimatize: ACCLIMATE. To adapt to a new . . . climate, environment, or situation.”
The word “acclimate” or “acclimatize” comes up a lot when it comes to mountain-climbing, and I think it’s a handy metaphor. When climbing a steep mountain—let’s take Everest as an example, though this is true of visiting other places in high altitudes—you are heading for a peak that is quite high above sea level. If you were to go straight up from the bottom to the top, the change in air pressure and the drop in oxygen levels would cause you to pass out, become physically ill and cramp up, possibly become delirious, and more.
For that reason, people who climb mountains (or visit places at super high altitudes, including Macchu Pichu) often take time to get used to the new altitude before they start moving around and being active. Heck, this is even true of NFL and MLB teams that visit Denver, Colorado—the thinner air means they are more likely to become winded or oxygen-deprived, when they aren’t used to the altitude.
When you level up in life, whether it’s in your work, in your private life, or on a spiritual or energetic level, you need to take some time to acclimate yourself to your new level. Essentially, you need to rest there for a bit, and poke around at it a little to see how it feels, so that you can get used to it.
When you are leveling up energetically, it can sometimes mean stepping back and forth between your old level and the new one. Allowing yourself to fully believe, feel, and trust that the new level is available to you, and is safe.
It doesn’t matter what your logical mind is telling you, if your body is still feeling conflicted or unsafe. So it’s important to recognize the discomfort, and to offer yourself reassurance that all is well.
Which reminds me of one of my favorite blessings, which is from a 14th-century mystic in England, usually referred to as Julian of Norwich. She channeled the following message: “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.”
May these words comfort you, as you try the next new thing.
If you want to try a new habit, I would be delighted to have you join me in my ongoing “building a new habit” group—just sign up here. You don’t even have to disclose your new habit, unless you want to. But you will get supportive emails, support inside our Facebook group, and opportunities for free group coaching. I’ll be doing this until at least August 21st, so you still have time to join!
And if you want a little help with ditching negative self-talk and becoming your mind and body’s own loving best friend, I invite you to join me for Empress of Your Own Life coaching. Take 30% off between now and the end of July using code CELEBRATE at checkout.
That code works for books and other coaching as well—it’s my gift to you to celebrate the third anniversary of this business!
