We Can Do Hard Things (but sometimes, it's okay not to)

The title of today’s post comes from a popular online motto: “We Can Do Hard Things.” It is one of those mantras I remember on days when I need to push through.

For me, this is up there with “She believed she could, so she did.”

I love the idea behind both of these. The optimism. The belief that we can do what we put our mind to. The cheering-on.

But sometimes, it is better for us and for our mental health if we take a break. Which reminds me of this Instagram post I shared in October of 2019:

I’ve started this week out quite slowly, to be honest. After expending a lot of energy last week—both physical and psychic—I ended up feeling extremely tired on Sunday. I not only slept late, but I also I went back to bed. And in the afternoon, I took a nap.

If you have been around these parts for a while, you may know this about me already, but here’s a refresher either way: I have two autoimmune issues: rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. Both of them cause pain (one in my joints, the other in my connective tissue), and both have a tendency to flare up when I’m stressed.

Stress can come from the good things in life, as well as from the stressful things. Good forms of stress that can still trigger flares include holidays, parties, weddings, family get-togethers, and expending too much energy doing fun things.

Stress includes things like major life events (weddings, divorces, moving houses, building or renovating a house, having children, job changes, etc.), which are sometimes a mixed bag. And, of course, stress comes from un-fun things.

Un-fun things can include: dealing with a loved one’s health issues, such as my husband Morris’s heart issues, which reared up this February when he suddenly ended up in atrial fibrillation (a-fib). On April 7th, he had an outpatient procedure that put his heart back into sinus rhythm, which is a huge relief, but we are still chasing down one last possible issue that was spotted along the way.

Un-fun things can also include the ongoing pandemic, stress over the war in Ukraine, job issues, personal health issues, money stress, concerns about attacks on at-risk citizens or other political issues, and more.

Between the ongoing pandemic, Morris’s health issues, my worries about the state of the world, and the amount of effort I put into getting ready for Passover last week, I pretty much hit a wall by Sunday. It was so bad that it took me until mid-afternoon to call and wish my parents a happy Easter (I’m Jewish, they are not), because making a simple phone call felt too hard.

The thing is, I thought I had organized things to be manageable.

I started Passover prep at least a week in advance, buying all the things I needed (included potato starch and matzo cake meal and an awful lot of eggs) in order to prepare foods for the holiday. When you can’t use regular flour, it turns out you need a bunch of other stuff to make do with.

I started cooking for the holiday on Thursday, making a type of “granola” (without oats or other usual grains), baking one dessert (using almond flour and potato starch), and cooking brisket. On Friday, I made more dishes, including the tossed salad we took with us to our cousins’ home for the first night seder and a chicken dish for Saturday.

On Saturday, I spent the entire day prepping to host a very small seder at our house on Saturday evening (just one other couple). In addition to cooking more things (vegetables! a sponge cake!), we added a leaf to the table, got out the good china, and set up the seder plate. Morris cleaned the house while I set the table and cooked three side dishes.

On Sunday, I didn’t wake up until 10:30. I was still so tired that Morris urged me to go back to sleep for a bit, so I didn’t truly get up until 12:30. And then, I ended up taking a two-hour nap in the afternoon.

So yes, I can do all the things.

We all can.

We can even do hard things.

But when we do, there is often some additional price to be paid.

Maybe it’s a price we pay with fatigue or aches and pains. Maybe it’s a price we pay by neglecting other tasks or situations or even people in our lives, as when you have to work long hours at your job, and don’t get to see your friends and family as much.

Could I have pushed myself to do things on Sunday? I mean, it’s possible. In the past, I would have done it, even though it would have been hard.

Here’s what I did instead:

When I woke up around 10:30, still feeling extremely tired, I asked myself how I was truly feeling. Did I think it was “silly” that I was still tired? Yes. But since I was, I opted to go back to bed anyhow to see if it would help.

When I realized I had very little physical or mental energy, I again asked myself how I was feeling. I was kind to myself, instead of judgmental. I asked questions like “how do you feel, really?” and “what would feel like love right now?”

When the answers included things that I didn’t especially want to hear—such as my inability to focus enough to write, or my still being tired and needing a nap—I didn’t berate myself for it. Instead, I left my laptop closed, and took a nap.

I didn’t focus on what I thought I should do or even what I couldn’t do. Instead, I focused on treating myself with kindness and love.

The end result was that I woke up on the early side on Monday, feeling pretty good in my body despite having a stressful day scheduled. Nobody was sick and nothing serious was happening, but Morris and I were off to visit with his cardiologist to see how his heart is doing, and until everything with that is 100% cleared, it stresses me out because I love my guy quite a lot and want to be sure he’s in the clear.

I wrote the first draft of this post on Monday, instead of Sunday. I got enough rest to re-set my system. I woke up on Monday feeling able to think more clearly, and with the energy needed to write and type a post—as well as the energy needed to go to yet another cardiology appointment with Morris.

Because I burned through all my energy with the trip into the city to see the cardiologist, I ended up finishing this post on Tuesday, when I would have preferred to have it done and scheduled a day or three ahead of time.

But I am good with that.

Even though I could have done the hard thing by forcing my way through on Monday, I feel physically and mentally more healthy for having allowed myself to rest and recover.

My takeaway:

Sometimes, circumstances require you to suck it up and do the hard thing. In those cases, it’s fine to rely on your willpower or adrenalin or whatever else you’ve got to do the hard thing and push through.

When “doing the thing” feels hard, and there is no vital reason for you to push through, it’s okay to defer it.

In that case, instead of beating yourself up, or telling yourself that you “should” do something, ask your mind and body what it is that they need. Ask what you can do to make yourself feel better. Ask what would feel like love.

And then do that. No “shoulding” all over yourself.

If you are interested in learning how to be kinder to yourself and to quiet your inner mean girl, I invite you to join me for The Empress of Your Own Life coaching program. It’s a one-on-one coaching program in four sessions that will give you actual skills and tools to use to help banish your inner critic (or at least quiet them the f*ck down).