The horrors persist, but so do I
This meme from 2023 felt super relevant to me today as I sat down to write this week’s blog post.
Every so often, I hear someone opine that things are bad, so they probably can’t get worse. I’m not positive that the current administration isn't taking that as a challenge, given how badly its leaders misbehaved on Friday in the Oval Office, tag-team bullying the leader of Ukraine in ways that were both horrifying and, for many of us, triggering of our own trauma.
Assuming there were actual tactics deployed by the US administration, they were deliberately those of abusers: attack, belittle, degrade, insist on gratitude/groveling, talk over the other person, blow things up when they got any pushback . . . It could have been intentional, but both of the men involved have done this sort of thing regularly, and there’s every reason to believe that they are abusers in their own rights, so perhaps it comes naturally.
Lots of women are familiar with this. We’ve experienced it at home and/or at work. We’ve witnessed it as children, or grown up experiencing this sort of treatment from one or more parents (or other relatives). We know how it goes, and how it feels, and seeing it play out in public—with some people cheering the abuse one—is both demoralizing and nauseating.
If you have been finding yourself triggered by the bullying and gaslighting coming out of DC lately, please:
Know that you are not alone;
Take excellent care of yourself—use any of the self-care tools you have in order to calm your nervous system down and get back out of fight or flight; and
Seek help if needed—whether that is a conversation with a trusted loved one or a consultation with a mental health pro or coach.
Remember this: If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive. (Some folks attribute that to Paulo Coelho, but I haven’t been able to find a source for it.) The quote doesn’t mean that you must live your entire life in a peaceful state of mind, of course. But if there is something that is avoidable and also guaranteed to upset you, then this quote reminds you to opt out of the upsetting thing. So perhaps don’t watch live events where an abuser is speaking, if hearing that person speak is upsetting to you. (It’s why I tend to read transcripts or news reports about what the current US president and vice say, rather than watching/listening.)
Of course, as noted in the title of this post, while we don’t have the power or ability to opt out of the current world situation, or at least not for any sustained period of time. That’s because the horrors persist; they are ongoing. If you are paying attention to what’s going on, each day brings multiple reasons to be upset.
But just as the horrors persist, well . . . so do we.
Persistence is its own form of resistance. Remember in 2017, during the first Trump administration, when Elizabeth Warren tried to read the words of Coretta Scott King into the Congressional record during the confirmation hearings for Jeff Sessions? She was eventually silenced and censured by the GOP majority. Mitch McConnell said “She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.”
Persistence means perseverance. It means keeping on keeping on, despite any difficulties. It is the ability to stick with something, even if the going isn’t easy.
It’s something we as women have done for millennia. Despite being considered less than, despite being considered “weaker” (which is nonsense), despite generations of men telling us we weren’t good enough, smart enough, strong enough, or just plain old enough: we persist.
“Despite being considered less than, despite being considered “weaker” (which is nonsense), despite generations of men telling us we weren’t good enough, smart enough, strong enough, or just plain old enough: we persist.”
I’ve been thinking lately of what sort of things help us to keep going, to persist.
Women keep going, and show no signs of stopping. It’s why, for instance, the GOP is trying to put through the “SAVE Act”, which will require that your name on the voting rolls matches that on your birth certificate: the idea is to disenfranchise all those women who changed their names when they got married. You should for sure be contacting your representatives in Congress to oppose that act. But I digress.
When we keep going, women have a tendency to want to make the world a more fair and equitable place. We tend to want to protect children and the elderly. We want to make sure that everyone doing the same job gets the same pay rates and opportunities. We persist in trying to make the world a better place.
But how do you keep on keeping on when everything is so shitty that it’s hard to keep your energy up?
Well, I’m glad I asked. Because in asking that question, I found myself in dialogue with an Instagram friend of mine named Rachael Jamison. Rachael is a licensed clinical social worker and talk therapist, and she has a bunch of certificates in dealing with folks who have depression and anxiety, among other things.
If you have checked out Rachael’s Instagram account, where she posts as @back2basicstherapy, you will have seen her down-to-earth approach to dealing with upsets. She is big on you choosing how you want to feel, and to taking small, manageable actions to get you where you want to go. Here’s one where she posts about how we can all choose to be empowered, even when things get tough.
And here’s one where she teaches/demonstrates a little tool/trick called “and then what?” When you are anxious, it is super common to catastrophize. You may start to assume lots of terrible consequences, whether it’s just you being worried about something, or wanting to make a change. For instance, maybe you want to stop drinking, but you worry that you will lose your friends over it. Or maybe you worry that you’re going to lose your job and jump straight to assuming it means you will be living on the street.
Your brain loves to jump to those sorts of thoughts. But asking “and then what” after each thing helps you to (a) calm down (watch Rachael in this video and you can see her calming down as she works through the example) and (b) eventually hit on some small action you can take. Action helps to calm anxiety down.
During the upcoming Salon on March 13th, via Zoom, Rachael is going to be talking about choosing to be empowered and leaning into your strength to deal with living in these anxious times. I am pretty sure that Rachael means your physical strength (things like sleep, movement, hydration and nutrition help that) as well as your mental and emotional strength. She likes to remind people to use the power they have: whether it’s the power to make a choice, or the power to decide, or the power to say no.
I hope you will sign up for the Salon. It will be recorded, for those of you who cannot make it live to the event from 7-8:30 EDT on March 13th. Again, a reminder that you DO have to sign up, in order to get the zoom link or the recording, and that it is a donation-based event. While it has a fair market value of $35 per “ticket”, there’s no minimum donation set, in order to allow those who don’t have the current ability to swing $35 to attend (since let’s face it, they may need it the most).
Let’s get you some additional tools to help you persist.
