"I'm worried that I've developed agoraphobia, lol."
Today’s post takes its title from a message from a friend. She was both joking and half-serious. And she’s not the only friend to say such a thing.
“I’m starting to really enjoy being home and not having to do things in-person after all,” said another friend. “I’m not sure I want to go back to the way things were before.”
And another: “Now that I’m vaccinated, I am pretty much safe to be out in public, but I’m finding that I’m scared of being around other people. Everything feels too big and too noisy.”
These feelings of social anxiety are entirely understandable.
We all just spent a year essentially learning to be afraid of being around people who aren’t in our immediate household—and that includes friends who live alone with their pets, as well as those who live in multi-generational households.
We don’t want to be in large crowds because we worry about the virus. Large crowds feel overwhelming in general. Too boisterous. Too noisy. Too many social interactions to maneuver when we aren’t used to navigating that way anymore.
After seeing the January 6th attack on the U.S. Capitol, crowds might even feel too volatile. Possibly dangerous.
For most people, however, the true issue is that we are out of practice with observing the social norms, some of which may even have changed, at least for a bit of time. We’ve all been so busy learning to social distance that being social in real life again feels a bit odd.
Here are some tips on navigating the return to “normal”
Remember that you don’t have to go big or stay home. You can opt to ramp up your social interactions in a managed way. Perhaps a small get-together outside in a socially distanced manner (especially if everyone isn’t vaccinated), or a small get-together inside if everyone has had a vaccine.
My guess is that once you have started spending time with other people you know and like, you will (a) remember that you like to spend time with others and (b) figure out exactly how much tolerance you have for the company of other people. Maybe you are fine with hours on end, maybe a short visit is all that feels comfortable. It’s like stretching: start small, and with exercise, you will figure out how far you want to stretch it.
Following the CDC guidelines will give you a sense of better control and security. That includes wearing a mask and maintaining social distance when in public settings (where you can’t know who is or isn’t vaccinated).
Don’t let other people push you past what feels comfortable to you. If you want to wear a mask despite other people having been vaccinated, do it. If you think a night out dancing is okay, but a mosh pit is right out, stick with your gut. That applies to dining out, conversation, parties, etc. It’s okay to know and set your own boundaries.
A friend who had been vaccinated went out to eat with their husband at a local diner because he was insistent that they were good to go, and should get back out there. She allowed him to push her into dining out, only to feel worried and miserable the entire time she was there because it didn’t feel safe to her. It ended up not being fun for either of them. It’s okay to insist on starting smaller, or to wait until you feel ready.
Remember that we aren’t “returning to normal". We are instead creating a NEW normal. That could mean looking at things in a new way. Perhaps you realized that you want to start entertaining friends in your home, even though that wasn’t something you did in the before-times.
Maybe you want to redecorate or renovate part of your living space. Or you have decided you want to move to another location entirely.
Perhaps you want to travel more. Or less. Or in a different manner.
Or you want to opt out of busy networking events that you used to attend because you felt you “had to”. Or maybe it’s the opposite, and you find you want more conferences or in-person networking in your life.
As we move into what will be a new normal—one where President Biden notes that we might be able to have small gatherings without masks for the 4th of July—it is worth it to consider what things we want to keep, and decide what we’d like to change.
If you are feeling nervous about things opening up again, it’s not just you. This article in The Atlantic notes that we are, in fact, forgetting how to be “normal” as a result of the pandemic. This op-ed in The LA Times is all about how long the melancholy from a year in isolation might last; it also discusses why and how our thinking on things may have changed, and how this pandemic might affect us the way the Great Depression affected our grandparents and great-grandparents.
Maybe my blog post from early last May will help. It’s entitled “What if nothing is ever the same again?”, and it reads in part “Just as there are things you may want to change or add for the future, there may be some things you would like to leave in the past. Maybe a bit of the rushing. Maybe some of the busy for busy’s sake. Maybe some of the over-scheduling. Maybe you’d like to stop saying “yes” to things you don’t want to do, so you can focus more on the things you do want. Remember that every time you say yes to something you don’t want to do, you are saying no to yourself.”
I’ll close by sharing a quote from author Dave Hollis: “In the rush to return to normal, use this time to consider which parts of normal are worth rushing back to.”
If you are noticing feelings of anxiousness in yourself or those around you, you aren’t alone. My e-book, Lower Your Anxiety, provides strategies and tools to help lower your anxiety, and is half-price this entire month. If you have anxiety or depression, please reach out for help. In the US, try SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. It’s open 24/7.
