This holiday season: DO LESS

Seriously, I am advising you to take a step back before you launch yourself into the usual holiday hamster wheel to assess what you actually feel like doing this holiday season.

Rather than just doing whatever it is you always do, or just scrambling to do ALL THE THINGS without assessing whether they actual need to be done or whether you are the right person to address them, I’m advocating for you to take some time to make informed choices for yourself.

Let’s look at two common issues

Travel

Do you want to travel? At all? This is a key question around the holidays, when so many people are expected to visit relatives (whom they may not really want to spend time with).

Maybe you always or usually go to a particular relative’s house for Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa or New Year’s. Or perhaps you always or usually stay home, with or without people coming to you. Does that work for you this year? Do you want to go again? Or host again?

If you do not want to go/host, what would you prefer to do?

What is the worst that would happen if you went with your heart/gut, rather than going with “tradition”?

Can you make an alternate plan or arrangement this year? Can you stay home for the holiday if you prefer not to travel? Can you make plans for a visit at a different time that is better for you?

Alternately: Would you rather travel? As in go away for the holiday rather than spending it at home (yours or a relative’s)? Maybe you can plan a get-away this rather than spending the holiday sleeping on your sister’s sofa bed or what have you. Or maybe you can at least get yourself a comfortable hotel room so you have some time away from the family and a comfy bed?

Meals

Do you have a set menu that you feel locked into? Do you usually do all the cooking, but would prefer not to? Conversely, are you stuck eating meals prepared by other people that you don’t really like? (Yes, that is an ambiguous question as written: I meant to ask about food you might not like, but I am also aware that sometimes we get stuck with meals prepared by people we don’t really like.)

Are you stuck going to a house where the host wants you there, but doesn’t want to offer any food until it’s time for the holiday meal?

That used to happen to me during my first marriage, when my mother-in-law hosted us at her house in Virginia (so we were far from our home), and she wanted to have Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner at around 2 p.m. But she didn’t put out things for breakfast or lunch, or have any snacks around. I think she never considered that other people might want things, since she ran out and got herself a snack in the morning when she bought herself her large “fountain soda” for the day.

After the first year, I rolled in with food for myself and the kids, because not having food until she got her stuff together wasn’t a viable (or thoughtful) option. She also wasn't the greatest of cooks—she once bleached broccoli so that it resembled cauliflower, by cooking it the night before (yes really), then microwaving it to within an inch of dissolving on the day of the meal. So bringing along things that we actually liked was the key to survival and to me not completely losing my shit by mealtime.

If you are facing something similar, what steps can you take to plan ahead so that you aren’t left hungry for most of the day? Or what things can you bring so that you have food that you enjoy? Even if you eat little of the “family meal” as a result, you are entitled to eat foods that you feel good about, and to take care of yourself and your family.

Food becomes extra fraught if you have special dietary needs. Perhaps you have been trying to eat more veggies, and are faced with a meal made of meat and starches. In such a case, can you bring vegetable dishes to share? Or can you eat ahead of the meal so that you honor your own preferences?

The same thing goes for you if you are eating to cut out carbs, or dairy, or nuts, or any other food item that disagrees with you, or that you are avoiding for any reason at all. A friend of mine is borderline diabetic and has been diligently controlling her condition with diet. Should she “suck it up” and eat a bunch of simple carbs and desserts just because it’s the holiday? Well . . . that is 100% up to her to decide, and nobody should be making her feel guilty or badly if she chooses to stick with turkey and Brussels sprouts. (Pretty sure she hates Brussels sprouts, so that’s probably a bad example, but you see my point, I’m sure.)

If you have always made the meal, and have always made two main protein dishes (say, a turkey and a ham), plus mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, stuffing, a salad, two or more vegetable sides, rolls, and three desserts (not an uncommon sort of holiday menu, even though it sounds nuts when you write it all out like this): is this still what you want to do? Do you have enough people to warrant that much food? Do you enjoy making all the things? If not, can you scale back? Again, what’s the worst that could happen if you had only ONE kind of potato and skipped the salad and rolls? Or if you served one kind of pie and offered ice cream? Or if you bought the meal from the local grocery store, already prepared and just needing to be heated up?

If you need help with the meal, have you asked? What is stopping you? Lots of people are happy to bring a dish along, and most of them would be just as happy to be told what to bring, rather than them guessing and bringing something that is a duplicate or that doesn’t really work well (like a third potato dish, but no veggies).

At the end of the day, my hope is that you will find a way to keep yourself nourished and hydrated throughout the holiday season. It is entirely likely that you are responsible to help care for others, but that nobody else is looking out for you and your well-being, so you have to make that your own priority. Take care of your physical and mental health by making sure you have enough water, and that you are eating what you want, when you want.

If that means you have to eat something when others aren’t eating, then do it. And consider that you may then be setting a positive example for others as well, who have jumped onto the usual hamster wheel without thinking and don’t realize they have the ability to step off, and to take care of themselves.

Do more for yourself by doing less overall. You’ve got this.