Show yourself a little love.

Is it just me, or has the world been too effing much lately?

I mean, wow.

Who knew so much major history could take place in just over two years? And it keeps on coming.

Today, I want to focus on you. More specifically, I want to talk about your inner voice—the way you talk to yourself.

We all have it. There’s the part that lists off all the things we need to do in a day, the part that manages how we do it, and the commentator (sometimes called your “inner critic”).

I’d be willing to bet actual money that your inner voice can be mean as f*ck. If you are lucky, that voice is only mean, nasty, critical, hostile or rude sometimes. But I know plenty of people (mostly women) whose inner voice is a mean girl almost all of the time.

It is entirely likely that you are in an abusive relationship with yourself.

Here’s how to check:

Think of the last time you walked into a room and forgot what you needed to bring, get or say.

Now think about what your inner voice had to say about it, and how that voice said it.

If your inner voice said something along the lines of “oh, sweetie, you’ve been stressed. No wonder you can’t remember right now. It’s okay,” then you are doing super well in this area, and maybe this post isn’t for you.

If your inner voice offered critique somewhat neutrally (as in, “oops! Forgot what I wanted!”), then this may be for you, depending on whether that’s constant or not.

If, on the other hand, your inner voice called you names, labeled you in negative ways, and started to berate you for other things that you also did “wrong,” then this post is for you.

Let’s talk about that inner critic.

One of the key things I’ve worked on in my own life for the past several years is my relationship with myself. I spent more than 50 of my 58 years on this planet in an abusive relationship with myself.

My inner voice was entirely mean. The slightest thing resulted in a litany of abuse inside my mind, as the voice berated for being careless, stupid, inconsiderate, selfish, awful, horrible, etc.

It wasn’t just mistakes I made, or things I forgot, but also an ongoing critique of all actions and all emotional reactions. My inner critic said I was “too sensitive” (more on that in a minute), unreasonable, inappropriate, and more.

When I work with clients on how they talk to themselves, one of the things we focus on is whose voice is speaking. In some cases, as when my inner critic said I was “too sensitive”, it wasn’t actually my own voice speaking—that particular criticism belonged to my parents, and was acquired from them saying that to me as a child.

It is possible that you have a mixture of sources for the inner critic inside your mind, consisting of yourself, things from one or more parents (or other relatives), things from a particular teacher or other authority figure in your life, or even (stay with me) things from past generations that you don’t know. I won’t go into it much here, but epigenetics tells us that some thoughts and beliefs are passed down genetically through families—often a belief that something bad is going to occur.

In a world gone mad in all senses of the word, loving yourself is a powerful, radical choice.

What the world needs now is love. (Link goes to original recording by Jackie DeShannon of the song by Hal David & Burt Bacharach.)

Putting more love into the world starts at home, with yourself.

Self-love is as simple as loving yourself, which turns out not be simple to do at all. It asks you to treat yourself with the same kindness, and the same grace, that you treat the people or animals you love best in this world, whether they are friends, relatives, or otherwise.

As you start to pay attention to your inner critic, assess what they are saying, and how they are saying it. Then ask yourself if you’d say the same thing, in the same way, to another being—and still feel good about yourself.

Because of course there are times when we all want to vent at someone else, but if you wouldn’t hurl obscenities, insults, or abuse at your neighbor (even the one you don’t like much), then you for sure shouldn’t tolerate speaking to yourself that way. Ideally, I’d like you to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a much younger version of yourself. The you who was too young to protect yourself from the world.

Look at little me

Would you speak to this little cutie the way your inner critic talks to you?

I DIDN’T THINK SO.

The 10 tips inside the book, and the 56 affirmations I wrote and compiled for you, should help you get started. Consistent practice in redirecting your inner voice to kinder ways of saying things works!

As I said earlier, I’ve been working on this for the past several years (probably 4 or so?), and these days, the inside of my mind is a fairly peaceful place most of the time.

I’ve gotten rid of most of the parts of my inner critic that weren’t my own voice, but were my mother, father, or someone/something else. My inner critic isn’t mean, insulting, and intolerant very often—and when it is, I pause to acknowledge and redirect it.

Recently, a client asked what it’s like inside my mind now that I’ve been working on this, and I said, “Quiet.”

It’s not that I’ve tamed my thoughts, but I’ve quieted the negative ones that used to take up so much of my bandwidth. These days, I’m more likely to be thinking about a book I’m reading or something I saw or heard than I am to be ruminating on some mistake I made. It’s nice not to spend my days in self-flagellation.

I would love for you stop being so hard on yourself, and start supporting yourself with love. So I created a 7-page PDF for you as my gift.

When it comes to self-talk, if you wouldn’t say it to your best friend or to a small child, you shouldn’t say it to yourself.

“But Kelly,” you ask, “How do I go about doing that?”

Friend, I’ve got you. Go here to snag a free copy of my 7-page booklet entitled A Step by Step Guide to Self-Love.

This booklet contains 10 tips to help you start behaving in a more loving manner toward yourself, along with 56 affirmations for you to work with as part of the process.

If you are new to working with affirmations, there are directions to help you get started. If you have any questions about it, please comment here or shoot me an email using the Contact function.