What's your "go-to"?
Today’s topic is a bit of a tricky question:
What’s your go-to?
For instance, if I ask what your go-to comfort food is, you likely have a quick answer. Maybe it’s macaroni and cheese, or a grilled cheese sandwich. Also, I just realized that both of my examples involve cheese, and I’m sticking with them because melted cheese is extremely comforting to me. So I will say that a third comfort food for me is scrambled eggs, just so you know it’s not always about cheese.
Or if I ask about your go-to snack, you might tell me potato chips, or Oreos, or something else. Go-to beverage of choice? Go-to pizza topping?
When it comes to food, we have a lot of go-tos—preferences that we’ve selected for ourselves, some based in our own likes and desires and some based in childhood memories.
For instance, my go-to foods when I have a stomach bug are either (1) chicken noodle soup with saltine crackers and a Coke or (2) buttered toast with a cup of strong tea, prepared with milk and sugar. Why? Because the first option is what my mom made available, and the second is what my maternal grandmother gave me. Despite the counterintuitive inclusion of butter and milk, it is usually exceedingly calming and comforting to me.
But we have a lot of other go-tos as well.
We have go-to outfits: this pair of jeans is for working in the yard, that pair is for going out to a bar. Or this dress is the one I wear when I want to feel confident, or sexy, or pulled-together. Or that outfit is the one I choose when I am feeling a bit fragile and just want to feel like I’m in a cocoon.
We have go-to entertainment choices. When I want comfort, I tend to re-read favorite novels. Most likely re-reads for me include all six completed Jane Austen novels, with a heavier emphasis on Northanger Abbey, Persuasion, Pride and Prejudice, and Sense & Sensibility, but truly, I’ve read them all into the double digits. Also The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien (my fave book(s) when I was 12) and The Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett.
Go-to books for me also include romance novels, and re-reading my favorites of those. I am a sucker for anything written by Sarah MacLean, and just finished reading her latest, Heart Breaker, which had me grinning throughout because this book had one of my favorite tropes (just one bed!), but I seriously recommend all of her books. Every. single. one.
When it comes to historicals, the same goes for Tessa Dare, Lisa Kleypas, Eloisa James, and Julia Quinn, though Quinn (author of the Bridgerton series) isn’t always as good with issues of consent as she could be. And I really like a number of contemporary romances (and authors) as well, including romcoms like the ones by my friend Gwenda Bond, who wrote the duology Not Your Average Hot Guy and The Date From Hell.
I’ve got go-to movies or genres of movies, go-to sorts of sports or TV shows, go-to musicians and types of music. Speaking of which, Taylor Swift just announced a new album coming out in October called Midnights. (Yes, I preordered.)
I’d wager you have all of those sorts of “go-to categories”, too.
Just as we have go-to categories, we have go-to behaviors.
Go-to behaviors are where things get . . . interesting. I almost said tricky, because sometimes that’s true, but sometimes those go-to behaviors are the best thing. So “interesting” it is.
When dealing with our families of origin, it’s easy to default to a go-to pattern of behaviors. Essentially, you reclaim whatever “role” you’ve always played in that group. Which can include regressing to a version of yourself that isn’t really you anymore, but is more like a suit that you put on. It’s familiar, but it might no longer fit.
When dealing with disappointment, you may have a go-to response. That could look like a phrase you repeat (such as “why does this always happen to me?” or “things never work out the way I planned”), a go-to emotional response (anger, disappointment, etc.), or even a set of behaviors (overeating, sulking, etc.).
If you are faced with a disappointment—say, you tried to make or create something, but it didn’t turn out the way you thought it would/should—your go-to might be to give that “failure” some sort of meaning, and to make it mean something about you and your skills or abilities. In that case, you are essentially allowing your inner critic to take over and tell you that you suck, or that you have no talent for whatever task it was, or something along those lines.
Like I said, our go-to (or default) behaviors are where things get interesting.
Most of us tell ourselves that we need to do more. To be more, when it comes to delivering for others, and to be less, when it comes to taking care of ourselves and our bodies and speaking our minds.
I am inviting you to choose a different path.
Instead of spiraling into doubt or negative thinking or negative feeling states, what if you let yourself off the hook. What if the recipe you were following was wrong, or you realized that you skipped a step? It doesn’t mean you can’t cook, just that things didn’t work out this time. If this is the first time (or first time in a while) that you have decided to sew, or sing, or make art, or even clean your house: what if you allowed yourself to remember that it takes practice to get really good or efficient at every single task?
If you wouldn’t expect anyone else to excel at their first try, why beat yourself up if it didn’t work out perfectly for you?
That last question, by the way, is all about reasonable expectations. If you have never played the guitar before, then thinking you should be able to master an entire song or play an entire guitar solo flawlessly on the first try would be unreasonable. But sometimes we inadvertently expect high-level skill and performance from ourselves regardless of our experience and energy level.
On a day when you have little to no physical energy, getting dressed and feeding yourself might merit an A-plus, not an internal lecture on how weak you are and how much more you should do. On a day when you have half an hour of time to yourself all day, allowing yourself to sit and rest (including “doing nothing”) might be more important than wiping down the kitchen counters and cleaning the stovetop.
If your go-to is to tell yourself that you aren’t doing enough, and you need to do more, and do it better, then I invite you to ask yourself where (or who) you got that idea from.
When you hit that sort of thinking as your go-to, it is entirely probable that that particular option has been installed by someone who is working on behalf of the patriarchy.
You have been raised to do more, always. To work more, always. To put others and their desires and needs first, always.
I’d like to invite you to adopt a new go-to belief, which is that the patriarchy can go to hell. Or perhaps that the point of the patriarchal society in which we live is to disregard the hell that some of us live in so that others at the top of the social pyramid don’t have to.
A well-rested woman has the strength and clarity to think about herself and her own needs, and about how to make life better for herself and those around her. The patriarchy doesn’t like women to rest, or to have the time to think, or the have the strength to push back against patriarchal norms.
Don’t like the word patriarchy? Fine. Think “society” instead. But know that you’ve been raised and conditioned to produce and be a caretaker for the benefit of others—without consulting what is best for YOU.
I’d love to hear any thoughts you have as a result of today’s blog post, and invite you to comment below, or by getting in touch with me on social or by email.
