What to do when you've lost your muchness.

I remember this line well from seeing the movie Alice in Wonderland in theaters when it came out. The Mad Hatter and others recognize the young woman, Alice, as being the grown version of the little girl Alice who came down the rabbit hole all those years ago. Yet though she is grown older, she has somehow allowed herself and her spirit to be diminished.

As an adult in her late 50s, I hold all the memories of all the selves I’ve been over the years. Some of them have been far “muchier” than I am now, and some of them have been more diminished.

Over the past decade or so, I feel myself becoming more myself. I am unlearning some of the things that I took on over the years and decades, and returning to my essential self in a lot of ways.

It is messy work, and it isn’t always—or even usually—comfortable.

Returning to the wild spirit who wanted to run free and who didn’t think it should matter if she was a girl? Yeah . . . that is true to the core of who I am, and it’s also requiring me to examine a lot of beliefs and behaviors that I took on over time.

We are all told that we need to settle down over time. That we need to fit in. That this is the way of the world, and that it is how things should be.

The question I am learning to ask, more and more, is WHO SAYS?

Who says that women have to be caretakers? Who says they need to subvert or subjugate their own needs and to prioritize the needs and desires of others?

Who says that children should be seen and not heard? And who decided that women were supposed to be treated like children (or even livestock) by having to follow suit?

Who says that women’s needs and desires, dreams and goals, are only “allowed” if all their other work to support the patriarchy is done first?

It’s a bit like Cinderella, where she is allowed to read (or whatever) only after she has completed all of the housekeeping, gardening, farming, cooking, and other service tasks that her stepmother and stepsisters devise for her. And if they see her having a moment of spare time, they find something with which to fill it.

One of the things that rings true in all versions of that story is how those with power like to wield it to diminish Cinderella. Some of them imply that it’s based in jealousy or envy, some in sorrow or petulance, some don’t even bother to explore WHY the step-family is cruel or unfeeling—they just are.

One reason that story resonates for so many girls and women is, I believe, the fact that despite it all, Cinderella never loses her “muchness.” She remains true to herself and her values. Her spirit is unbroken.

What can you do when you’ve lost your muchness?

Change your routine.

One thing that I just did (along with Morris, my husband) is to get away for a bit. We took a 9-night cruise from New Jersey to New England and the Canadian Maritimes (New Brunswick and Nova Scotia), which completely shifted a lot of things for us.

For one, it was more time together than we’ve had in a while, despite all the time we’ve spent at home. Because when we are home, there are lots of rooms in the house and the yard outside and Morris’s tai chi classes and my coaching and energy work going on, so we aren’t literally together 24/7. On the one hand, I recommend it if you love your spouse and want to reconnect (which we did); on the other, if things are fraught at home, being that close and together might exacerbate things for one or both of you. (As the comedian said on the last night, if things aren’t good when you’re at home, then “renting a closet on the water” isn’t likely to help.)

I didn’t have to cook, clean, or do laundry in the entire time we were gone, and neither did Morris. I didn’t have access to all of the usual TV programs that would allow me to numb out in the evening, and I found I didn’t really want to watch some of the things we did have access to most of the time.

Travel invigorates me, and seeing new places, having new experiences, and mixing with different people is always eye-opening—though not always in a good way. But being away, and getting out in nature, and doing and seeing new things helped me recover some of my own muchness that had started to atrophy from disuse.

Even if you can’t travel, altering your routine is possible. You can always shift what you pack for lunch, what you do after work (or after breakfast), etc. If you are finding yourself feeling as if every day is the same because your routine has become entirely rote and humdrum, shake it up a little.

Whether it’s driving a different route to the store or doctor’s office than usual, choosing a weekend activity, or something else, there are ways to change your routine, which is bound to shake some other things loose.

Do a deep dive in your journal.

Ask yourself questions, like what do I truly want to do right now? What tasks do I want to keep and which ones do I want to outsource or give up? What small thing can I do today to feel a bit happier/lighter/freer? When is the last time I put myself and my needs and desires first? What would change if I put myself first? Who would be inconvenienced if I did the things I want to do? Do I truly care more about that person’s inconvenience than I care about my own satisfaction and sense of self? Was there a time in my past when I liked myself better? When I was a muchier version of myself? What do I miss about that person?

Then answer those questions honestly.

Nobody else has to see your paper, and, in fact, you can always burn it after you’re done working through things if you are concerned about it.

Work with a coach.

Life coaching exists to meet you where you are now in your life, and to help you get where you want to go. That includes helping you to uncover where it is that you want to go in the first place, as well as helping you to navigate your way around any obstacles or road blocks you encounter along the way.

A lot of what you get from working with a life coach turns out to be reminders of things you may already know—or that you knew, but have lost or forgotten along the way. The benefit of working with a coach is that you have someone who can see your situation from a different angle, offer you some guidance and support, and hold you accountable for doing what you say you want to do.

Let’s face it, from time to time, we need a pep talk, or a kick in the ass, or gentle nudge to get and keep us going. We can all use some sort of accountability to keep things going. That is where a life coach comes in. If you want to hop onto a 20-minute call with me to find out if working with me is right for you, I’d be delighted to set that up (and a discovery call is FREE!)