No more being selfless
I got to thinking about the word “selfless” a while back, and my thoughts have finally come together enough to share them. Buckle up, buttercup.
“having no concern for self : UNSELFISH”
Really?
It’s a term used to describe a lot of women. Like, A LOT of women. “She’s so selfless. She’s always doing things for others.”
How do you hear that? As praise? As something to aspire to?
I mean, often that’s women are taught, from the time they are small girls. There are the stories, like Snow White taking care of all those little men, or The Giving Tree, a book about martyrdom in which a boy takes and takes and takes, essentially destroying the tree in the title. “And the tree was happy.”
I call bullshit.
The tree, which was so selfless in giving itself to the boy/man, isn’t even a living tree anymore. It’s just a dead stump. Because that’s what happens when you play selfless all the way out.
Let’s look a bit more at the word, shall we? Selfless. Self-less. Less than one’s self. Lacking a self. Without a self.
You give and you give and you give . . . and that’s it, really. Until one day you find that you are an empty husk.
“Selfless” should not be a compliment. It should not be something anyone aspires to.
Yet so many women I know wear this as a badge of honor. They do things for everyone in the family—from laundry to cleaning to shopping to cooking to taking other people to the gym or the doctor’s office. They are the ones to take on the extra, like making costumes or Christmas shopping or planning holiday travel. They are the ones to bake the things for the school sale, to attend all the plays and recitals and games.
They are selfless. And many of them have almost literally lost themselves.
They are tired—exhausted, really. They are resentful that no one sees them struggling and offers help. They do not ask for help, of course, and they usually refuse any help when it’s offered. Because society has taught us that women should be self-less, so we all put our heads down and shoulder on, even as parts of us break inside.
Some of those breaks are literal: we end up with issues that need serious care. Like adrenal fatigue, or autoimmune issues, or back issues, or diabetes. Like depression and anxiety.
Let’s get rid of the idea that being selfless is a good thing.
There is an awful lot of ground between SELFLESS and its antonym, SELFISH, which means that you disregard the welfare of others and are only concerned with your own wants and needs.
Nobody is saying that you should be completely selfish. But I’m here to tell you that putting yourself and your own needs first is actually best. Because nobody likes a “selfless martyr”. Because nobody is going to give you a medal for putting everyone else first all the time. Because taking care of yourself is actual a smart and generous thing to do for yourself, your family, your co-workers, and your friends.
I was going to use the old adage from the airlines about how you need to put on your oxygen mask first (because a passed-out you can’t help anyone). But the fires in California reminded me that it’s more like you putting on the proper equipment before fighting a fire.
A selfless person might just run toward the fire with a hose. But they are risking their lives—and the lives of others who come to their eventual rescue—to do that. The smart person puts on all the special equipment first. It takes a few minutes’ time to do, but then they are able to work much longer and more efficiently to battle the flames.
Be the smart person.
Take those few minutes to take care of yourself first. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, water, and nutrition. Make sure you move your body each day for a bit, as you’re able. Make sure you get a bit of quiet time, or a massage, or whatever it is that you need to recharge.
Because once you do those things, you are better able to care for others.
No more being selfless.
