It's almost my anniversaries
I have two big anniversaries coming up in the next week.
First, and most important to me, is July 2nd, the anniversary of my first date with Morris, who is my rock and shelter and #1 cheerleader and supporter. Eleven years together, and still super in love!
It’s almost the third anniversary of Actually, I Can!
The idea for this business started in earnest in May of 2019, though I’d been noodling on ways to help other women for a good 4-5 years before that. My corporation was formed on July 3, 2019, to allow me to operate a business helping others.
I don’t think I’ve shared this story before, but it’s WHY I wanted to do what it is that I do. And also, why “what it is that I do” shifts and changes a bit over time.
When I was young, I wanted to change the world. I thought maybe I’d be an actor, or musician, or an attorney who did amazing things. I volunteered for causes I believed in (often it was causes that raised money to reduce hunger in the US and around the world, which is still true). I was sure that I could do or become anything I wanted.
But over time, all of that was whittled away.
In part, it was society pressuring me to figure out “what I want to do” for a living. In part, it was fear of alienating people I knew and loved, as well as fear of being labeled “different” or “weird” if I followed my own calling.
Each time I passed on doing the brave thing, I found a way to justify it.
Worse still, each time I passed on doing the brave thing, I was rewarded for it. People nodded and smiled and said that was the smart decision. The prudent one. The safe one.
I like making others happy. I like earning praise.
Over time, I traded piece after piece of myself away.
I found myself working 60-hour work weeks as an attorney, only to realize that I would rather have more work/life balance. I saw clearly that a lot of litigators play games that don’t benefit their clients rather than being straight shooters, enjoying the “game” rather than solving problems.
I would have liked to switch jobs, but with the amount of law school debt I was carrying, on top of my mortgage, it was difficult to figure out where I could go.
I repeatedly said to myself and to the Universe, “I wish there was a way I could get paid to just stay home.”
Ask, and you may well receive.
In early 2002, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. My fingers and hands were so painful that it hurt to hold the steering wheel, or use a pen or pencil to write with. I spent a lot of time holding mugs of hot tea just to help them feel a little bit better.
By June of that year, I had left my job on disability. In short, I was being paid to stay home.
As the years passed, I gained a second chronic health issue: fibromyalgia.
But I was home, and I was figuring out ways to feel better about myself, and start reconnecting with my own inner compass.
It was slooooooooow progress for the longest time.
I reconnected with my creativity by becoming a poet and author. I had poems in anthologies and journals, and eventually I had a picture book published, with illustrations by a wonderful illustrator from Spain (Mónica Armiño). I later began taking some art lessons to broaden my inspiration and creativity, and fell in love with art.
However, I was stuck inside an unhappy second marriage, in part because I worried about what other people would think or say if I ended up with a second divorce on my “permanent record.” It was a lot of unhappy years in a row, until I finally decided to pull the emergency brake and do what was right for me, rather than staying the course so that other people wouldn’t talk.
When I think of all the lost time now, I am shocked that I put up with it. But at the time, I wasn’t capable of moving any faster.
Moving out of a bad relationship and into a good one was an excellent move for me. Finding my creativity and leaning into it was an excellent move for me. Remembering that the Universe has my back and there’s magic in this world was an extremely excellent move for me.
Over time, I relaxed into a sense of actual safety and peace.
It has been transformative.
Even as I am still uncovering things and working through them, I am in a place that is so much happier than I’ve been before. I became grateful for so many things. Not just my daughters (from my first marriage) and my husband, Morris, but also for the ability to unclench things. To try new things and feel supported, not judged. To stop judging myself for my thoughts and needs.
As I said, it’s been transformative to come back to myself. To love and accept myself just as I truly am, without needing to hide any parts. To stop caring so much what other people think that I don’t do the things that bring me joy. To let go of a bunch of childhood trauma stuff that I’ve packed and carried through more moves than I can actually count, and let other people be who they are without expecting or needing them to be otherwise.
It’s been liberating. It’s been exhausting. It’s been a source of release, at the same time as it’s been hard.
About 7 or so years ago, I started to notice that I had crawled out of the box I’d been in. If you are in your own box now, you know what I’m talking about: part of it you built yourself as protection, but part of it has been added and packed around you by other people and their needs and expectations.
One of the main problems with the box is that it isn’t static. It tends to become smaller around you, the longer you stay there. Kinda like the trash compactor scene in Star Wars.
It occurred to me that since I’d found a way out of my own box, I might be able to help others who were still stuck.
It took me a few years of figuring out what that might look like, and how that might work. Perhaps I should write a book? Maybe I could offer art classes? But then how would I include the mindset stuff?
For a long while, I didn’t know.
I continued to think about it as I turned toward a whole lot of new energetic practices. Meditation. Journaling. Feng shui. Working with crystals and oils and incense and reiki. Doing money mindset work. Leaning into my tarot practice, learning more about astrology and human design.
All of those practices combined to form a sort of energetic rocket fuel for me. I have up-leveled, and up-leveled again in the past few years.
As I said earlier, I started this business in 2019. The coaching I have done with my clients since then has been a complete joy, and has helped me to hone my craft. The coaching I have received from my own coaches in that time has helped me to better trust my own intuition and my gifts.
It is with extreme joy that I am beginning my fourth year in business.
This coming Sunday marks my anniversary as a coach and energy worker.
I can’t help but feel that it also marks the start of a new era for me and this here (very) small business.
Because I have done the work and spent the time building the foundations for amazing transformation not just for me, but for you. Because I know it’s time for us both to up-level once more. To stand up and be seen without being afraid. To tune into our intuition and find our own paths to make this here world a better place.
The truth is that if you are doing something to make yourself a better, wholer, happier individual, then you are making the entire world a better place. It creates ripples around you, spreading all the good stuff as it goes.
Ready to kick down a wall, or start a new path? I’ve got you. Whether you are ready to take down the patriarchy (it needs and deserves it) or build a new practice or habit for yourself, I can help. I will teach you actual practices and give you actual energy and other tools to help sustain you on your journey.
If you are interested in working with me, I invite you to check out your options here.
What would an anniversary be without gifts?
I am giving everyone who signs up for coaching with me in the month of July a generous gift: 30% off, to celebrate my three years in business. Just apply the code CELEBRATE at check-out!
