May 2

May 2 What are you tolerating?

caretaking, self-care, self-esteem, self-love

At the moment, I’m living part-time in South Carolina to help my mom navigate her end of life, since she’s been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer.

I spent weeks here back in March, when my dad died suddenly. I spend months here in 2018 and 2019 when dad was going through cancer treatment.

I spent all my visits living out of my suitcase in an uncomfortable guest room, sleeping on a board-like mattress that jacks up my joints and muscles (which aggravates my rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia).

It dawned on me last week that being uncomfortable and denying myself of simple pleasures is no way to live, so I bought myself a new pillow, new sheet set, new (cooling) mattress pad and I’ve ordered a mattress topper to add some comfort to the board-like mattress. I also bought myself a big-ass teacup, because most of the mugs at mom’s house hold something like 10 ounces, and I’m used to a 16-20 ounce cup or mug.

On the one hand, I can’t believe it never dawned on me before that I could just spend a little money and fix the things that have bothered me in this space every single time I stay here. On the other, I suspect that there are tons of things that I—and you—have been tolerating for ages.

What have you been tolerating?

If you work outside the home, maybe you have been tolerating something in your work space, like a bad chair or a broken keyboard. I had both those issues when I was an attorney, and it turns out that most employers will fix/replace things if you point them out. (Yes, I’m aware that some won’t—but you won’t know if you don’t bring it up.)

Or maybe you have been tolerating annoying paper cups for your coffee, or worse, styrofoam for your tea. Bringing your own cup or tumbler is a relatively inexpensive option, and could make you feel more at ease.

If you work from home, maybe you have been tolerating working in a cramped spot in the corner of the couch instead of setting up a workspace that works for you. It could be as simple as setting up a small desk or table with a chair you don’t mind sitting in or clearing your kitchen or dining room table so you have room to spread out. You can use something you already have, or go to the store for a padded cushion to boost yourself on a dining chair for better work posture, or an actual desk chair with lumbar support.

Or maybe you’ve been tolerating clutter in your home, and it drains you just looking at it. Or you wish you had a water bottle that you love—or you don’t love your tap water without lemon or cucumber in it, but you never bother to buy a lemon (or cucumber) for whatever BS reason.

Maybe you truly love a certain brand of tea or coffee or kombucha, but you don’t spring for it because it costs a dollar more than the stuff you can tolerate. If you can afford that dollar, my suggestion is that you go ahead and get the good stuff, whatever it is, so that you can delight yourself daily, instead of feeling like your own afterthought.

Maybe you are tolerating a loose door knob, or ragged towels, or the absence of a tool that would make your life so much better or easier.

Maybe you are tolerating conduct that you shouldn’t. I know from past experience in two previous marriages how easy it can be to tolerate being taken for granted, or being blamed for everything, or having another person verbally mistreat you.

Maybe you are tolerating being treated like Cinderella, responsible for all the cleaning and tidying for a full house. Or your spouse seems to think that they are doing you a favor by doing any of the things they would have to do if they lived alone (like laundry or dishes or grocery shopping or cleaning or yardwork).

In those cases, there are things you can do (or try) in order to rectify the situation. Maybe it’s a family meeting to bring attention to the situation. Or a renegotiation of the division of labor. Or a decluttering of your partner, in some instances. (No, it’s not simple or easy, but how long will you tolerate things and deny yourself relief?)

One thing that is clear to me, given my dad’s sudden death and mom’s cancer diagnosis, is that nothing in this life is promised. So when it comes to things you have control over, it’s time to stop tolerating, and start fixing things.

You matter. You deserve comfort and support. You deserve a bit of nurturing, and sometimes, it’s your job to provide that for yourself, because if you don’t, nobody else will.

Go fix one of the things you’ve been tolerating! Then, if you remember, come back and tell me what you did and how you felt afterward. The comments are open.