On the day after Thanksgiving

Sure, it’s Black Friday, and you could be out spending your money (almost wrote “outspending”, and seriously, that may also be right).

But one thing that might help make the rest of the holiday season better for you, even more than a day spent shopping (or cleaning, or cooking), is taking a few minutes out of your day to do the following exercise.

How to improve your next holiday celebration

First, write down your three favorite things from yesterday’s holiday.

This could be the presence or absence of certain people, the location you were in, what you ate or drank, the fact that something was left OFF the menu, a particular moment in time, an activity that you engaged in (or, conversely, something that you usually do that was NOT done yesterday), etc.

You aren’t limited to three things, and can do five or seven or ten if you’d prefer. The point it to record your personal high points.

My top three things this year: (1) having Thanksgiving dinner with Morris’s cousins at their beautiful homes in North Jersey; (2) the 2-3 quiet moments that Morris and I spent together in the living room away from all the noise and people in the kitchen; (3) Being home at a reasonable time at the end of the day.

Yeah, you can see my introversion shining through on this top 3 list.

Next, write down your three least favorite things.

This could mean you were stuck inside a smoker’s house, or someone important to you couldn’t be there, or the turkey was cooked “wrong”, or your bigoted uncle started an argument and ruined the day, or the TV was on the whole time, or there wasn’t enough pie to go around. Whatever your three bugaboos were, write those down.

Again, you aren’t limited to three. If you have a family of five who were there who bothered you for various reasons, you can write each one as their own item (and identify WHY you were upset by/with them).

My three least favorite things for yesterday: (1) some of the people I love to see when we go to Thanksgiving weren’t there. Cousins who aren’t actually related to Morris, and in-laws who live in another country; (2) my cranberry bread didn’t turn out quite as good as usual because I needed more orange juice; (3) it would be awfully nice to actually see my kids on Thanksgiving, but one was in South Carolina and the other was elsewhere for the holiday. (It’s my own fault for how we did things in a split-custody arrangement, but it doesn’t mean I don’t wish we could do Thanksgiving together.)

Note: If you didn’t get together with people but wished you had, or you got together with people but wished it had been a different group, make a note of it. Same goes for if you made a traditional meal and remembered you despise turkey, or you decided to skip tradition and then missed some part of it, write that down. What you didn’t do is as important to consider as what you did do.

Now figure out how you can add more of the GOOD stuff for your December holiday(s), and minimize or get rid of any of the BAD stuff.

For each of your items, figure out how to get more of the good stuff. For some things, you might need to zoom the camera out a bit. For instance on my list, I really appreciated quiet conversation with Morris (and an oasis from the party), as well as getting home at a reasonable time. For our December holidays, that could mean scheduling more quiet time before and after events, or making plans in such a way that we aren’t out until the wee hours.

I also really enjoyed seeing our family members, so leaning into family (and to friends who are like family) in December for the holidays we celebrate seems like a good idea, too.

If you were happy because someone wasn’t there (face it, we’ve all been there where someone NOT being there was a relief), can you not invite that person? (Yeah, there might be blowback, but if it’s your event and you are the one issuing invites, you get to pick.) Or if you know that someone who was upsetting at this holiday will for sure be at the next event, do you have to go and put yourself in their proximity? Again, people might complain if you opt out, but consider whether your peace is more important to you than being a check mark on someone else’s list.

This is the sort of activity that we discuss inside the ALL IS CALM Facebook group. ALL IS CALM is about simplifying your holidays, and about honoring yourself and your own needs throughout the holiday season. It helps you to find the meaning in the holidays without the burnout and (hopefully) without the martyrdom and hurt feelings that often come from doing all the work and then not being seen.

Here’s the link to learn more.

The program costs $97, and includes four units: ENVISION, PLAN, NOURISH and RELEASE. There are video recordings, journaling exercises, helpful downloads (from planner pages to lists to a guided meditation), a private Facebook group for support, and one remaining live call on December 11th at 1 pm EST via Zoom. You can sign up until the end of November!