A word about comfort

I am being bombarded with conflicting messages about comfort, and I thought I’d take a few minutes to address it, in case it’s something you’ve been noticing, too.

I’ve been getting emails from some people who are STOKED. They want to continue to SELL SELL SELL and they figure we can MAXIMIZE (what?) ourselves, our skills, our use of time. Finally, they say, you have the time to do all the things you want to do. You should be busy! You should make strides! You should be ACCOMPLISHED. They remind you that “good things only happen when you leave your comfort zone”.

I’ve been reading, too, articles from people who work in the mental health field. They talk about things like trauma, and how it is natural that so many of us are not, in fact, able to be especially productive just now. We can show up for the work that we “have” to do, including laundry and cooking, along with paid work. But when it comes to creative work (as it does for so many of my friends and clients), it is difficult to get in the proper headspace for that sort of work. These posts say things like “it’s okay not to be okay,” and they remind us to do what we can to comfort ourselves while we regroup.

To borrow a line from Oprah, “what I know for sure” is that any grief or distress we are feeling now is not only real, but completely understandable. We need to allow ourselves to feel it if we can, so that we can move through it rather than suppressing it or stuffing it down (a stop-gap measure at best, and the sort of thing that causes severe issues later).

The particular coronavirus that is currently spreading (COVID19) is dangerous. Already, I know people who have (or have had) the virus, and I know people who have lost family and close friends, and these are still early days. Most likely, you do too.

We none of us know how it will affect us if we are exposed to it, and we hope that we would be fine, even as we worry that it might kill us or those we love.

I don’t have any answers.

In fact, it took me days to write this post because I cannot find the right words.

I suspect that the people who are sending me the sorts of emails that I’ve described in the first paragraph are spinning wildly because if they slow down, they will have to feel their fear and sorrow. I find that if I frame it that way for myself, I do not become offended by their emails; neither do I try to emulate them.

I have found that the right answer for me has been to set my expectations for myself and my day much lower, and to engage in far more things that count as nurturing.

I have done much more checking in with my body to see what it needs. (Often, carbs seems to be the answer —LOL!) Below are some of the nurturing behaviors I’ve adopted/encouraged in myself, and why.

Taking care of physical needs

One result has been more nourishing, home-cooked food, with an occasional time-out for something pre-prepared, like the frozen manicotti and meatballs we had the other night. I’ve also been baking a bit more, because I’ve felt the need to make food.

Turns out that cooking and baking are both activities that we do to help allay our anxiety, and it’s the sort of anxiety that hits at a primal level. As one person noted the other day, we cannot fight the virus if we don’t have it, and we cannot flee it, either. The next fear response is to, essentially, freeze.

Because we are all dealing with stress responses now, our primal needs surge to the fore. Our safety is at risk, so we try to rebuild a feeling of safety or security by emphasizing our physiological needs: food, hydration, sleep, exercise, shelter, and clothing among them. And yes, this analysis is based on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which says that our higher functions have to be supported by the lower levels, and we are back at the bottom of the pyramid just now.

It’s why so many of us are trying to find our most comfortable clothes, whether it is jeans and a t-shirt, sweats, or even pajamas. It’s why so many of us women are not bothering with bras if we don’t feel like it. We are seeking comfort.

Comfort food. Comfort clothing. Good sleep if we can get it. (See the prior ten posts, which provide a total of 13 tips to help you get better sleep.)

One of the things we tend to skip or forget is proper hydration. Drinking enough water helps with quite a lot of the rest of your physical needs by flushing toxins from your body, keeping mucus membranes moist so they have a better chance at warding off viruses, and keeping your brain “lubricated”, as it were. When you consider that your brain is 73% water, it makes sense to stay hydrated so that tissue stay plump and work its best.

Nurture yourself, as well as others

If you are female who has a partner, a child, or a parent, it is likely that you are worrying about or caring for others. We typically prioritize care-taking for others, and put ourselves last. In fact, women have been programmed to do that, encouraged to sacrifice ourselves for the good of others. It’s probably not the time to go on a patriarchal rant, but it is decidedly the reason women are trained to put themselves last.

If you are taking care of others, you’re not alone.

For some of you, the “not being alone” thing is the issue, even. If you are used to having a lot of time to yourself, and are now suddenly dealing with non-stop together time, your own, personal comfort level might be suffering.

Nurture yourself by making sure you get what you need.

It’s important to acknowledge, at least to yourself, that you need to prioritize your own needs.

It’s important to take some time for yourself. If you need to do that by taking a walk by yourself outside, or by letting the kids have a bit of extra screen time, then DO IT. Plan your alone time, and protect it.

It’s important to be sure that you get enough sleep, that you nourish and hydrate yourself, that you get a bit of exercise if possible, some fresh air and sunshine if you can, and to spend some time alone.

Check in with your body to see what it needs

One of the things that I have found helpful for myself is to check in with my body to see what it wants or needs.

Being home all the time, it can be easy to try to “fix” things with snacks or extra meals. I find that sometimes, a snack IS the answer. And frankly, if we all gain a bit of weight now, what’s the harm?

But sometimes, the answer is that I’m thirsty, because I’ve forgotten to fill my water bottle. Or I’m bored, and would do better to meditate, change the scenery (by moving to a different seat, a different room, or outside), do a bit of exercise, whether it’s a walk or some yoga or a quick dance break . . . Usually if I take a second to really tune in to my body and ask what it wants or needs, I find an answer.

I am sending you all much light and love, and hope that you are all well. Many many thanks to those of you in the healthcare sector, who are doing so much to take care of us all.

I’ll be here at home, doing my best to take care of my husband and myself, and to support all of you as you do your part in this crisis.